CoD V.1.5.0- Armour.
I began writing this post from a very low place on Friday night. It was originally titled 'Desolation'. I was so low, in fact, that I could not finish writing it then, so I put it aside, and am re-writing it now, on Sunday night. Being emotionally hardy - like a Hobbit - I've bounced back since, but I could still use your prayer.
I should begin by giving you guys an update of what's been happening with my comission so far.
As you know if you've been reading this blog, I've applied to join AIM's TIMO program (link on the sidebar), a hands-on training program which teams young people with an experienced missionary couple to train them for a life in missions to unreached peoples. I have since been accepted into AIM, but have yet to be comissioned to a TIMO team.
Now, there's a set number of TIMO teams leaving each year. Because of the ammount of preparation, orientation, and support-raising required to leave for the 2-year commitment, the teams are formed well in advance and begin preparations several months before leaving.
When I began applying with AIM (March? April? of '06), I saw there was a team leaving in July to southern Sudan - I was ready to go then but was told that there was no way I'd be ready for July.
There was another team leaving in October, but even October would have been too soon. The earliest option would have been a team leaving in Jan/Feb of '07. This team was leaving for the Zaramo people-group of Tanzania. Well, I had little choice, so I decided I'd apply for that team and learn to wait - patience is a virtue! (best found in others). A few weeks ago I found out that I'd been accepted into AIM, so I requested to be assigned to the Zaramo team.
The Personnel Co-ordinator for AIM Canada, Sam Thomas (a great guy), said he would relay my request along, and that I would hear back from him as soon as he'd heard from Rod (the TIMO Co-ordinator, based out of Africa), and the team-leaders for the Zaramo team.
Last Friday (Sept 8th), Sam called me and told me that he'd heard back from Rod. My application had gone up to the Zaramo team-leaders, but feeling that the team was already too large, they were hesitant to take on another person- they didn't want to make too big a cultural splash on this isolated people-group. So while they were considering and praying about me, they weren't too sure.
Rod however, liked my application; so he suggested something different- he asked me to consider going with a team leaving for an Island off the East Coast of Africa that was in need of a single young man. The catch, however, was that the team left on October 25th, this year. Sam asked me to pray and think about this over the weekend.
This island, which I shall dub 'Treasure Island' (it's illegal to share the Gospel here), is almost completely muslim. It has just under 200,000 people who've never heard the Gospel, and who never will unless someone goes; and this team needed my help. So because of this need, and the fact that I would have to rely entirely on God to be able to raise my support for 2 years in less than 7 weeks (I'd also have to set a new record- on average it takes around 6 months), I agreed to go.
Last Friday (Sept 15th) afternoon, Sam called me again. It turned out that because of the logistics of the situation, the island team just would not work. I cannot leave without attending a week-long orientation seminar (AIM rule). This seminar is only taught a few times a year, and the next time it is being taught is between Oct 26th and Nov 1st. I cannot do it anywhere else or at any other time (no option available). However, the 'Treasure-Island' team has to be on site by Oct 25th. They cannot delay (various reasons), and I cannot join them a few weeks late (TIMO's constitution- the team leaves together). It was logistically impossible for me to be a part of that team.
Not only that, but Sam still hadn't heard back from the Zaramo team-leader, and if he declined to take me into his team, the next available TIMO team would leave in 2008.
If you've read CoD V1.3 (link also on the sidebar), you know that my heart is set on ministering to unreached people-groups in Africa. When I first came across the TIMO program, I could not believe how perfect it would have been for me- it was exactly what I was looking for. And yet, I cannot wait for two years before I leave. If I am rejected for the Zaramo team, I will have to look for another mission. (or follow in the example of so many before me, pack my belongings into a coffin, and head on over, which is not the wisest course of action). This is why this post was originally titled 'Desolation'. I had no idea what was happening.
And hence the current title of this post. People (and when I say people, I mean me- the only person I have first-hand knowledge of) spend so much time and energy building buffers. We (again, I) protect ourselves with tough armour, we build fortresses steep and mighty (like Paul Simon sang), and allow no one in. We become rocks and islands.
I've become an expert in projecting what I want others to see- in hiding pain, insecurity and weakness with laughter and the semblance of apathy or confidence. My first instinct now that I have recovered emotionally somewhat was to pass this off lightly, to joke about it and dismiss it. And yet I cannot.
Over the last few months, I have invested more time, energy and hope into TIMO and preparing for it, than into any other tangible pursuit. I have disciplined myself to read specific books instead of others that I might be more interested in; I have dilligently (and I'm not a dilligent person! I'm the world's biggest procrastinator!) done medical tests, psychological tests, gotten police records, etc, etc, etc, in preparation for leaving with this program. It has not yet been completely taken away from me, but if it is, I have to start the entire process all over again with a brand new agency- and I will have wasted months of my life.
And this situation is doubly new to me: Very rarely am I deeply saddened/emotionally disturbed. Not only am I not prone to depression, but I am, in fact, prone to the opposite (oppresion? appression? Just being stupidly happy for no reason). I may be sad perhaps once a year (if that), and if situations lead me to this, being Hobbit-hardy, I usually get over it in a few hours. I have noticed, however, that for as long as I can remember (ever since I was 10 or so), every situation that has deeply disappointed or saddened me - every deep spot of trouble I've been in - has been a direct result of my own sin. My stubborness, my pride, my selfishness or malice or lack of wisdom or something else have always been directly responsible for the circumstances that led to my sadness.
This is the first time in my life (in recent memory) that something completely out of my control (and completely in God's hands) has broken my heart. There was absolutely nothing more that I could have done, nothing that I could have not done, and nothing that I could have done better that would have prevented this. I don't know how to react.
Well, I've been convicted about the armour and keeping people at bay by reading about the struggles of David Brainerd and Henry Martyn; so I thought I would lay aside my armour and share my hurt and confusion. If TIMO falls through, I don't know what to do next. I don't know why God would lead me this far and then close this door. I know that His ways are higher, that He works out all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. I have prayed that He may lead me down the path that would bring Him the most glory- whether by my life or by my death. I have pursued - with all my energy and whatever limited wisdom He has given me - the path that I thought would most glorify my God; and I cannot understand how I could end up here.
I don't even know how interesting this post is- I'm afraid I don't have much experience in writing from hurt. I don't know what to say, or even if I will hit publish. But if I do, I would ask you to pray for me.
"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21b) If ever there was a man more confused and hurt than I, it was this man.
I should begin by giving you guys an update of what's been happening with my comission so far.
As you know if you've been reading this blog, I've applied to join AIM's TIMO program (link on the sidebar), a hands-on training program which teams young people with an experienced missionary couple to train them for a life in missions to unreached peoples. I have since been accepted into AIM, but have yet to be comissioned to a TIMO team.
Now, there's a set number of TIMO teams leaving each year. Because of the ammount of preparation, orientation, and support-raising required to leave for the 2-year commitment, the teams are formed well in advance and begin preparations several months before leaving.
When I began applying with AIM (March? April? of '06), I saw there was a team leaving in July to southern Sudan - I was ready to go then but was told that there was no way I'd be ready for July.
There was another team leaving in October, but even October would have been too soon. The earliest option would have been a team leaving in Jan/Feb of '07. This team was leaving for the Zaramo people-group of Tanzania. Well, I had little choice, so I decided I'd apply for that team and learn to wait - patience is a virtue! (best found in others). A few weeks ago I found out that I'd been accepted into AIM, so I requested to be assigned to the Zaramo team.
The Personnel Co-ordinator for AIM Canada, Sam Thomas (a great guy), said he would relay my request along, and that I would hear back from him as soon as he'd heard from Rod (the TIMO Co-ordinator, based out of Africa), and the team-leaders for the Zaramo team.
Last Friday (Sept 8th), Sam called me and told me that he'd heard back from Rod. My application had gone up to the Zaramo team-leaders, but feeling that the team was already too large, they were hesitant to take on another person- they didn't want to make too big a cultural splash on this isolated people-group. So while they were considering and praying about me, they weren't too sure.
Rod however, liked my application; so he suggested something different- he asked me to consider going with a team leaving for an Island off the East Coast of Africa that was in need of a single young man. The catch, however, was that the team left on October 25th, this year. Sam asked me to pray and think about this over the weekend.
This island, which I shall dub 'Treasure Island' (it's illegal to share the Gospel here), is almost completely muslim. It has just under 200,000 people who've never heard the Gospel, and who never will unless someone goes; and this team needed my help. So because of this need, and the fact that I would have to rely entirely on God to be able to raise my support for 2 years in less than 7 weeks (I'd also have to set a new record- on average it takes around 6 months), I agreed to go.
Last Friday (Sept 15th) afternoon, Sam called me again. It turned out that because of the logistics of the situation, the island team just would not work. I cannot leave without attending a week-long orientation seminar (AIM rule). This seminar is only taught a few times a year, and the next time it is being taught is between Oct 26th and Nov 1st. I cannot do it anywhere else or at any other time (no option available). However, the 'Treasure-Island' team has to be on site by Oct 25th. They cannot delay (various reasons), and I cannot join them a few weeks late (TIMO's constitution- the team leaves together). It was logistically impossible for me to be a part of that team.
Not only that, but Sam still hadn't heard back from the Zaramo team-leader, and if he declined to take me into his team, the next available TIMO team would leave in 2008.
If you've read CoD V1.3 (link also on the sidebar), you know that my heart is set on ministering to unreached people-groups in Africa. When I first came across the TIMO program, I could not believe how perfect it would have been for me- it was exactly what I was looking for. And yet, I cannot wait for two years before I leave. If I am rejected for the Zaramo team, I will have to look for another mission. (or follow in the example of so many before me, pack my belongings into a coffin, and head on over, which is not the wisest course of action). This is why this post was originally titled 'Desolation'. I had no idea what was happening.
And hence the current title of this post. People (and when I say people, I mean me- the only person I have first-hand knowledge of) spend so much time and energy building buffers. We (again, I) protect ourselves with tough armour, we build fortresses steep and mighty (like Paul Simon sang), and allow no one in. We become rocks and islands.
I've become an expert in projecting what I want others to see- in hiding pain, insecurity and weakness with laughter and the semblance of apathy or confidence. My first instinct now that I have recovered emotionally somewhat was to pass this off lightly, to joke about it and dismiss it. And yet I cannot.
Over the last few months, I have invested more time, energy and hope into TIMO and preparing for it, than into any other tangible pursuit. I have disciplined myself to read specific books instead of others that I might be more interested in; I have dilligently (and I'm not a dilligent person! I'm the world's biggest procrastinator!) done medical tests, psychological tests, gotten police records, etc, etc, etc, in preparation for leaving with this program. It has not yet been completely taken away from me, but if it is, I have to start the entire process all over again with a brand new agency- and I will have wasted months of my life.
And this situation is doubly new to me: Very rarely am I deeply saddened/emotionally disturbed. Not only am I not prone to depression, but I am, in fact, prone to the opposite (oppresion? appression? Just being stupidly happy for no reason). I may be sad perhaps once a year (if that), and if situations lead me to this, being Hobbit-hardy, I usually get over it in a few hours. I have noticed, however, that for as long as I can remember (ever since I was 10 or so), every situation that has deeply disappointed or saddened me - every deep spot of trouble I've been in - has been a direct result of my own sin. My stubborness, my pride, my selfishness or malice or lack of wisdom or something else have always been directly responsible for the circumstances that led to my sadness.
This is the first time in my life (in recent memory) that something completely out of my control (and completely in God's hands) has broken my heart. There was absolutely nothing more that I could have done, nothing that I could have not done, and nothing that I could have done better that would have prevented this. I don't know how to react.
Well, I've been convicted about the armour and keeping people at bay by reading about the struggles of David Brainerd and Henry Martyn; so I thought I would lay aside my armour and share my hurt and confusion. If TIMO falls through, I don't know what to do next. I don't know why God would lead me this far and then close this door. I know that His ways are higher, that He works out all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. I have prayed that He may lead me down the path that would bring Him the most glory- whether by my life or by my death. I have pursued - with all my energy and whatever limited wisdom He has given me - the path that I thought would most glorify my God; and I cannot understand how I could end up here.
I don't even know how interesting this post is- I'm afraid I don't have much experience in writing from hurt. I don't know what to say, or even if I will hit publish. But if I do, I would ask you to pray for me.
"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." (Job 1:21b) If ever there was a man more confused and hurt than I, it was this man.
posted by dan at 9/15/2006 07:08:00 p.m.
6 Comments:
Dan....... can you say these words, AND, know them? "God loves me." Can you hear these words in your soul? Can you define yourself by them? Can you live by them? Can you look in the mirror and know this truth? Can you shape all that you think about yourself, believe about yourself, want to have for yourself, hope for yourself, in these three little words? Can you find self-worth in them? Can you find self-love? Can you admire yourSelf in them? Can you see your value in them? You are obviously a deep thinker - now stop, and ponder this......... "God loves me". Afterwards.... if you want to.... share what you learned :)
Thank you...uhm, I'm not actually sure who you are; but I have not at any time doubted God's love for me. I know He loves me, and I know His promises are true.
In fact, I've been convicted about this lately- I've been reading about Abraham, who was promised countless descendants, and believed God in faith for years, with no visible fulfilment of this promise. I thought of Joseph, who also trusted God through being sold into slavery by his brothers, being thrown in jail by Potiphar, etc. I've thought of David who was promised a kingdom and spent years running away and hiding out in caves and waited patiently.
I know God will use me, when the time and the circumstances are right. My confusion has been replaced by trust and hope, and the hurt has healed already, with no visible scars, so it's all good.
Thanks for your prayers though!
My apologies, I didn't mean to imply that you doubted God's love! I meant those three words to be a time of reflection, a time of assurance, a chance to say, "whether I go, whether I stay, whether plans fall through or not, whether I feel hurt or feel joy... God loves me". I would encourage your readers that when we wonder, when we question, when we struggle, and when we deal with the "unknown", it is always best to check our foundation by returning to a simple faith. We build many structures in our lives and it's a good thing to check the foundation :):):)
Again, my apologies for implying anything less than trying to encourage a brother in Christ and a man of God.
Danny-boy...thanks for your honesty. I am glad God is using even this situation to help you grow and be able to lay down your armour. I always knew you had a soft underbelly. Glad to hear you're doing better...I am praying for you and trusting God with you that He knows best what he's doing and he will bring to completion the good work he's started in you. I dont think any of the last few months have been a waste, they have all made you grow and prepared you for where you are ultimately meant to be - you are exactly where God wants you to be.
Keep that hairy chin up!
Lemme know as soon as you hear back from timo.
lots of love,sue
Hey anon, no need to apologise- I didn't take offence at anything you said. I thought perhaps we'd misunderstood each other, although I fear the bulk of the misunderstanding was on my part, but truly, there's no need at all to apologise. Who are you anyways? Reveal yourself! :P
Or not, no worries :)
Sorry about being anonymous. Really I am! But I have to be careful in the Brampton area (yes, I live in Brampton) because I have some (C)hristian "friends" in Brampton who have been mean in the past and I have to be wary of them. No offense to YOU personally Dan! God bless you as you prepare to work overseas in His Name! I am so thankful that I "stumbled across your blog", you are an inspiration and an example of Christ's purposes on earth. Please accept my prayers and blessings for your endeavors to further God's Kingdom :):):)
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